My Christmas Wish

My friend the Norwego just posted her Christmas List.
I thought I would take her lead and post mine:

1. Guest List entered on the evil that is theknot.com
2. A poofy white dress that fit my fat ass
3. A photographer that is signed and paid for.
4. . Did someone say, type and format the program?
5. Rsvps in and accounted for
6. Someone to help me decide between chicken and beef
7. The perfect ring
8. Time enough to sleep- its 12:59am people!
9. Invites that are printed, addressed and stamped in time
10. Help finishing my two knitting projects.
11. Christmas list done
12. Christmas present purchased
13. Did I mention the white poofy dress that fit my fat ass?

Arggg, Crankers is cranky!!

Let's Get Physical, Physical....

There is nothing than better than hauling your fat ass into work late again only to be greeting by a voice from Shane.

See. Shane is my new Lifetime Fitness trainer. Being new and gung-ho Shane seems to have made me his new pet project. The voice mail went like this:

Ireeeene, this is Shane. From Lifetime. Just checking in with you. I haven't seen you at the gym lately. I looked you up in the system as it seems like you haven't made it in for a while.

Fine. You found me out. Geez, I've been busy. OK!? Yes, I know I have been freaking out about not fitting into my wedding dress. Yes, I know I have to lose 3 inches from my fat ass, but get off my back Shane!

The Dream Doctor

Have you heard of him? He's the host of a really dumb talk-radio program. My life has turned into one big call-in guest. Well, I'm actually much to obvious to need The Dream Doctor, but still, the analogy works.

I keep having crazy dreams.
They are driving me nuts.
See.
I'm getting married in 3.5 months and I'm anxiety filled. Not about marriage, but about the wedding. How to people do this? I'm freaking out. I've even detected a grouping of gray hairs coming in.

My anxiety typically tends to rear its ugly head in dreams so I'm not really sure why I'm so focused on it. You know the kind- you're trying to get somewhere but something or someone keeps stopping you from reaching your destination. Your car breaks down, elevators don't come, you can't find one of your shoes, etc.

My brain must be having a fuckin' hell of a time concocting all these crazy scenarios I've been privy too lately.

As of late my dreams have everything to do with the big W.D. Guest don't come, I'm late for the ceremony, I miss my hair appointment, can't find the veil, etc.

My favorite one had me missing the luxury yacht I had booked for the big day. Everyone was already on the yacht- everyone except for me that is. I was running behind. I remember sitting in a convertible driving on the freeway. Veil blowing in the wind. Dotting in and out of traffic. I finally make it to the dock, but the yacht was a mere spec on the horizon. I was frantically looking for a row boat or something to get me to that ship!

What's up with that? I would never hire a yacht to get married on. Nope, I'm more of a traditional kind of gal- church, hotel banquet room, etc.

Last night I had a doozy too. I actually think I woke up in tears. Or. Perhaps I dreamt that I woke up in tears.

It was the morning of the big day. I wake up, Mona came to get me to get our hair bouffanted out. I realize that I never picked up my dress from the wedding shop. Holy crap! We go down there and leisurely ask for it. Nothing. A blank stare from the gentleman behind the counter. It was like the Soup Nazi- No dress for you! I scream. Commotion ensues. The weird thing about last night is that I kept waking up and falling back to sleep only to find myself in the same dream- different store, different Dress Nazi, yet still no dress for me. By the time my alarm rang I had probably been in every stinking wedding boutique in town trying to get a dress. I never did end up making that hair appointment.